Story of the Passionate Stalker

The story of the Stalker

On the outside, a very handsome African American man. On the inside, a confused soul full of surprises. Went to college and found nothing for me, which is why I left (not to mention tuition went up). Moved back home to stay with mother, who really didn’t like the idea.... especially since she disagreed with my lifestyle of choice. Having to have a curfew at 20 was the worse. Looking for an outlet through art and sex was the plan of action. Future goals were set aside. Love needed to replace or rather heal wounds that were never addressed. My big break came when my mother decided to kick me out of the house and I had to start making decisions for my life. Moving away from home for love that turned out to be nothing but a couple of steps to finding out how I wanted to love me turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Moving from the country to the big city was. Well a big difference, but having that city spirit and more southern ways helped a lot. Thanks Mom and Dad?

Living in the city. Bright lights, flashy people, beautiful men!!! Had you salivating at the mouth dreaming of that dream guy. Now that dream guy works in corporate America and walks pass your front desk every day. Being able to wake up every morning to look cute as fuck just to get to work at the right time to see this guy, or what about the guy who sits on the second cart always when riding the 7:45AM Green train into work? Don’t forget the 7:45Am operator for that train who looks married...but always looks... More or less, when watching, you need to look for openings and details. I’m not here to teach you. You can walk with me through my emotional ups and downs being in relationships with these guys and they never know about it. Some get closure and some are bad endings but end the end.... IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!??!?

Working part time at the mall leaves you to meet and see a lot of people. Everybody loves the mall. The one place I hate. So many shopping centers and it’s just overwhelming, Like Macy’s or Nordstrom’s. What do I see downstairs in the lower level of the food court ordering for Lattes from Starbucks? I see a new project. Let’s call him “Things to remember”, because that’s where he worked, which was on the top floor of the mall. My part time job was on the main level. Noticing he was taking the stairs I knew it was my chance to make something out of this and not let it be a project. We lock eyes... in mine are filled with fulfillment and happiness and in his ...were empty. It’s okay. You don’t always knock em dead on the first round. This is a battle and you must win! Months go by and I am growing tired of walking pass his store and trying not to make eye contact every day I have to work my part time job. After finish reading the book called “The Secret”, I figured I would start putting it out to the universe and see what happens next. Boy I truly believe in that phrase, “What you put out into the world will come back to you”. I wanted him to walk in my retail store, and I give him a tour and maybe we could exchange numbers. Boy I wasn’t clear with that wish to the universe. TTR (Things To Remember) came into the store. I begin to perspire like no other. I ran to the back of the store and got some paper towels and wiped my face off. It’s game time. I walked out and acted as if he looked familiar but didn’t know who he was. Rule number one, you can never look like a crazy, even though it may appear I sound crazy... keyword...appear. Knowing that he is in school and working part time at his job (Yeah, I went ahead and faked my voice to call his store to find out his name so maybe a Facebook requested could happen but his manager relinquished more information than I, well the older gentleman asked for), after showing him around the store I begin to ask him questions as if he were a customer. He wasn’t wearing his “TTR” uniform. Instead he was wearing his Foot Locker uniform. Adding to notes. I used his Foot Locker job as a tool to get in. A more discreet conversation took place as we, or I discussed my amazing discount at this store in which I will not disclose. He was totally excited about the idea. Numbers were exchanged. At this point, I should feel happy, ecstatic. But I’m not. The work is about to begin. He could still very well be straight. When you really like someone things can get misconstrued and their kindness could be looked at from a vulnerable eye...advances. The first texted shot off and no response. I was hurt. Devastated. Called the number Private.... wrong number. The following week, I was heading out of town and my last day of work I wanted to say bye to my love and leave the door open for him to come into my life because obviously he’s blind. I was a little under the weather and eating sushi and soup in the food court on the bottom level. My plan was to head to the top floor and stop by his job because he should be at work today. It’s Thursday and its 4:23PM he should be getting his Lattes for his staff right about now. Of course I am right on time, however, I notice him getting cash from the ATM in my direction. I was nervous because I wasn’t finished with my food and wanted to see him out of the store. He had two ways to go upstairs. Either way he would pass me but I wanted him to come the closer way which was through the eatery area and not on the side where stores were. I coughed worse than I felt to grab attention. This cough was...Disrespectful. To me and everyone around me. He noticed me and decided to stop by for a chat:

TTR: Hey man! You okay?

ME: Yeah. Just getting over something. Hey I tried to text you but you never responded to       me

TTR: What!? No you didn’t. My number is ###-###-####

ME: I must have written it wrong. I was trying to use your discount the other day but I obviously had the wrong number

TTR: Well you have the number now. If you need to use it again let me know and I will come to meet you wherever you are

ME: Cool. Thanks man.

His advance to me was very apparent. So I texted him right after leaving the mall and.....he never replied to my Facebook request for him to add me. I was so afraid to be direct about the situation and tried to lure him to my place with classic video games and weed because everyone knows weed brings people together. No luck. This situation went into a stalemate because I, for the first time, I gave up and moved on. To something more realistic. Seen a lot in the club and wanted him so bad but after research he had a lover...what am I to do....

New project, Kevin…or let’s call him “missing”….you’ll see. Going out to the bar usually requires one to look traffic stopping amazing, even if that sounds dangerous, its true. Most people go to the club to meet someone in an a setting similar to a Casino. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Rarely do you win big, and sometimes you lose hard. I have laid my eyes on an Ice cube evil looking man, who makes my body freeze in this sweaty hot environment. Missing had me in a trance. Ever been in a situation where you never had an issue with approaching someone, but sometimes you would wait to see them again to approach them? This was one of those situations. Later the following week, I begin my hunt on Facebook for other guys to check out. Facebook made stalking easier especially for people you don’t know. People add others …just because…nothing more. I go through some friends’ friends, yeah I know people hate people like me, and I don’t care… to Find a picture of “Missing” tagged another awesome feature, kudos to Zukenberg. I proceed into adding him full of excitement on just finding him. Within five minutes of refreshing, He swiftly added me. My first question of course, “Thanks for the add man”. He didn’t reply. I followed up with, “Where are you located?”. The conversation stopped there. Surprisingly he didn’t remove me, just added me. My next step was to exhaust my resource because this fight was not over. I went to the friend where Missing was tagged. Went to my buddy’s house and Missing’s Facebook page was up. I’m guessing due to a comment reply. Asking around-the-way questions to find out more information, I find out he has a lover and a daughter, that isn’t his. At this point, one would say I’m scum of the earth if I continue, so I dropped it.

As life went on for me, I met someone who was coming in town to see me and was staying with friends. I usually don’t like the staying with friends’ situation, You think you will get privacy but gays are just hereditarily noisy. So I walk into the place. Looking at pictures and noticing I know of some of these guys and we Facebook friends from me just wanting to add anyone in my location looking remotely gay. I had a feeling we weren’t going to be alone tonight. As we are, well connecting, a key is placed in the door. As I am trying to fix my shirt, the door turns. As I was expecting anyone from the picture, I was wrong. Missing walks in with another guy. I was excited but had to play it professionally because it would have been tacky especially knowing he has a lover and I am here with someone he potentially may know. We are introduced to one another and Missing looks in a state of shock, which is good because I am the prize. As I predicted, all of the friends returned home to watch a movie and ordered pizza. I knew it. So much for privacy and being rude, everyone in the house was came together to watch the movie. Drinks are being made, food is gone and people are not paying attention to the movie. Eyes are moving around the room and this scene is beginning to feel strange. Missing goes into the kitchen to listen to, my favorite, house music. I found my friendly opening. I proceed in the kitchen for a refill and begin to talk:

Me: You like soulful house music?

Missing: Yeah. You?

Me: Love it! I am more of a Dj Collette Dj Heather guy. But I do love the Afterdark Series. Are you familiar?

Missing: Naw. I just listen. Don’t follow.

Me: Let me allow you to listen to Afterdark Chicago Revisted series.

Missing: Ok

I went back into the living room where everyone was watching the movie. I figured just based off Missing locking eyes with me throughout the night that his lover obviously wasn’t there. Missing said he was so inspired by my music he wanted to bake a cake. In result, he made a rum cake which was delicious. My ridiculous date pulled me outside to speak with me. His conversation was leading to me sleeping over for the night. I was truly annoyed to find out idiot date was expecting me and him to sleep in the living room on the beanie when he was 6’4” and 250lbs. I live in a house. How could he!!! I said my goodbyes to everyone and basically left. No sooner than I leave, I get a Facebook message that reads, “It was nice meeting you secy” from Missing. We just went into overtime and the seed has been planted. At this point of the situation I had no intentions on pursuing him because I do have moral values. I responded politely with no type of advances. One thing lead to another and we started talking on Facebook chat. It became an everyday thing but it was very platonic. Time went on and I felt like I made a friend when on his end I’m sure he wanted the cookies eventually and I wasn’t giving them up. I had a dream one night that Missing and his lover broke up, then he asked me on a date and we lived happily ever after. Surprising right? I was so happy the next morning. I walked into work for our normal talk to log into Facebook chat. He was there but didn’t speak initially. I sent him a message and he basically told me he would talk to me another time. I was shocked but decided to let him in on my dream. He paused. Revealed to me that all I said was true, well except the happily ever after part. I was jumping up inside, couldn’t show it while I was at work, because they don’t know about my sexual preference. So this conversation begins the rollercoaster of my life.

            I am a new man. Finally achieving what all this hunting was for. Wanting to lie next to him at nights, fantasizing, wanting his… ok I’ll stop. You have to understand by now. Everything was fine at the beginning, and then something happened. I begin to notice an aggressive “Missing”. For some reason, making request to being rejected by me was very difficult for him, even the miniscule requests. I know I’m not the best in relationships but I get it and it’s not science. His shut downs hurt me the most and I felt weak as if I needed to make it right no matter what and fairness is not sameness. I finally got out of my dark hole and took a step back from the situation. Getting rid of him was rather hard due to him realizing I wasn’t playing now. It was so hard to let go of because I wanted him so bad, his touch. I was practically infatuated with him and couldn’t listen to my feelings and focus on the facts. I have been hurt before so I can recognize when I need a change. Back to the drawing board….

            Overall I have made several attempts to get new entries but no one has been biting enough. Now living in a new area new journeys begin.